


Always You

by Sseunie



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Fanfic, GOT7 - Freeform, Idols, Love, Pain, Romance, iGot7 - Freeform, kpop, markson, singer - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-14
Updated: 2017-12-03
Packaged: 2019-01-17 11:58:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12365280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sseunie/pseuds/Sseunie
Summary: In the idol world love blooms on thorns, sharp ones.Mark and Jackson are living the life on those very thorns. Always bleeding and in pain.It's all about decisions, feelings, desires, friendship, work. Betrayal? Bond-breaking?This fanfic is about the pain and love of a certain couple.How does it feel to risk everything for your love and how does it feel to give up your love?





	1. Don't Mess With My Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A face to face meet with Jackson Wang.

I watched him as he walked into the room wearing only a tight black tank top with shorts and showing his muscular body.

Feeling my heart tighten up a bit, I looked away.

“Where are the others? We have a schedule in like an hour,” he said and grabbed his phone from the table.

I shrug my shoulders. “I think they went out to eat at the nearby BBC restaurant.”

I took an apple from the basket and was about to turn around when he stopped me by saying “Yi En.”

My Chinese name coming from his mouth sounded a thousand times more painful than I had expected. It had been almost a year since he had called me that.

I didn’t want to look at his gorgeous body or the beautiful structures on his face so instead I focused on the white wall behind him.

“You look pale. Are you okay?”

My hands were beginning to sweat and I hated myself for still reacting this way even though months had passed.

“I’m fine,” I answered and left him standing in the living room as I walked away and closed the door to mine and Youngjae’s room.

Giving out a big sigh, I sunk down on the bed and looked around in the room. Youngjae’s stuff was everywhere. But only the bed was clean.

Apart from the intimacy with Jackson missing from my life, I suddenly realized what was also missing; The many squirtles he always had on the bed. It came as a shock to me how that one little thing could affect me like this. He always had his squirtle at fan meetings where he could publicly show how much he loved the Pokémon figure. But at home it had become a part of him. If I didn’t sleep with him at night or if I came home late, I always found him hugging the figure as if he hugged me. It was his replacement for when I was gone. I wondered if he missed me the way I missed him.

God, I wanted to hold him again, to let him snuggle with me, to let him be clingy. I missed the scent of his hair, the figure of his body pressed against my stomach and just simply him.

It was as if we weren’t anything anymore ever since we had broken up. Just two people bound to each other by contract.

I felt like crying. I hadn’t since the day we broke up. I hadn’t allowed myself to be weak but I knew I was. It was just a poor attempt at trying to look strong. Pushing the tears away like I had done so many times now, I stood up, sighed again and opened the door. I hoped he was in his room he shared with Jinyoung but I knew that trying to avoid him in the house we lived together in was mission impossible so I just sucked it up and went for the fridge.

“You don’t talk much anymore, Mark,” a voice behind me said. Another struck at the heart. I grabbed the water bottle and turned around, finally facing him.

“I don’t talk much in general, in case you hadn’t noticed. I’m not being different, don’t overanalyze.”

He stood there, looking at me with those intense eyes like he hadn’t seen me in so long.

“I miss you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My first angst fanfic and I'm really not sure how first chapter ended up like ^^'
> 
> English is not my mother language so please excuse my poor vocabulary and please do notify me if you find any grammatical errors :D
> 
> Kudos and comments are always welcome  
> Feedback and critic too ~
> 
> Make sure to check out my other fanfics ~


	2. Hidden Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackson opens up about his deepest sorrows taking Mark by surprise

“I miss you,” he suddenly blurted out, taking me by a storm.

I tried controlling my breathing but it just became more messy as I said “Don’t, Jackson,” and walked past him, hoping he wouldn’t say more and praying for the others to interrupt us at this moment.

“It’s already over. Don’t start anything you can’t end.”

“I know that this career means a lot to you. It’s probably the only thing you would do anything for, Yi En. I know but I just want…” he said, suddenly getting stuck at the sentence.

I turned around and looked him in the eyes, not knowing if I should be surprised, shocked or happy.

Starting anew, he sighed: “It’s not fair, Yi En. It’s not. Why should I be the one sacrificing? It’s not supposed to be like this.”

He made gestures out in the air.

“Do not claim you were the only one who had to make sacrifices, Jackson. I had to too. I didn’t want this either. I loved you for god’s sake!” I nearly shouted. 

I was getting frustrated and short-tempered but I couldn’t help it. Talking about this made all the memories come back. Those I had tried to forget all this time. That awful day where our company exposed us. Everything was messed up, everywhere drama and discussion and meetings and finally the decision. Our relationship or our contract. Seeing as how much our relationship had affected our work must have been what made our CEO give us the choice between these two. I admitted, I had been driven a lot by personal feelings to Jackson. But I didn’t know what my decision would be if I got to make the choice again today. Would I still choose this career or would I throw everything away for him?

After everything I hadn’t seen anything change with Jackson except for the first month after our breakup. He had been a mess, getting drunk and not coming home, not focusing, forgetting schedules and scripts. But after that month he suddenly seemed like a whole different person. The smile had come back, the chatty Jackson was back. It had been as if nothing had happened between us. And his treatment towards me had also been normal, as if we had always been just friends all along.

That was probably what had hurt most. It made me think that love was just painful. The only way it could end was badly. And Jackson had proven that to me.

I wanted him, I missed him. But would I be able to go back to him after realizing how much love hurt?

We were still looking eye to eye. I was all confident until I saw how his hands were shaking and his voice trembling, the tears almost visible in those big eyes I loved so much.

“You were the one who chose your work over me, Yi En. I wanted you, I needed you but you just shut down for me. It was so easy to put up a wall between us, right? You did what I was most afraid of and you proved to me that it was something worth being afraid of. You knew I was scared that something like this would happen and you knew that I was scared of breaking up! Yet you went and did exactly that.”

I was frozen for a minute, didn’t know what to say. The tears were running down his cheeks now. All I wanted to do was to hug him and tell him that it would be alright. But I knew that would be a lie.

It suddenly struck me that for the first time that I was the reason to his tears and his sorrows.

I took a step towards him. What the next thing would be, I didn’t know. All I knew was that at this moment I wanted to be close to him. I yearned for him so badly.

Instead I stopped a few steps away from him, fidgeting with my sleeve.

“I… When I made that decision that day … I didn’t know if …” I was getting stuck at the sentence, mainly because his crying face made my heart ache. But also because this sounded so stupid. 

“If I’m not an idol singer, then I don’t know what I am. I can’t see myself as anything else other than this. I wanted both you and my career but when it came down to it …” I stopped, couldn’t say anymore because I was hurting him so much at this moment, I could see it on his face.

He didn't even bother wiping his running nose. Just stood there, wheezing and sniffing.

“For me you were enough. If I could have a future with you and nothing else I would be more than happy. But that’s not the case for you. So when I saw that, I gave up. I gave up on us even though I had sworn that I wouldn’t. And now I just wish that we can still be friends. No awkward feelings, no nothing. That’s all I want. Is it too much for you who were the one to break up?”

He truly sounded hurt. I hated how I couldn’t do anything for him. I couldn’t even do anything for myself. I was just being the coward I had always been. Afraid to want him and afraid to show my feelings. 

“Nothing was more painful than to start treating you like a friend. Trust me, it was really painful. But you didn’t say a word, didn’t complain and didn’t show me any response. So I thought, maybe that was what you wanted, for me to treat you like nothing had happened between us. For your sake, I did that. Every day, every second, I have to force myself to not look at you. I have to keep telling myself that this is what you want, this is what makes you comfortable. And with those thoughts I can just keep going. That’s how much I love you. I can do anything for you.”

Everything suddenly made sense to me. His way of thinking, his actions, his treatment towards me.

And when that realization struck me, I felt it as if the world came down on me. I felt his pain and his sufferings and his worries. And worst of all, I couldn’t take it back.

I couldn’t take back my choice, I couldn’t unhurt him. It was all a mess.

He was crying in front of me, his legs crossed in that way which told us how uncomfortable and insecure he was, how vulnerable he felt. In that moment I didn’t take a second to rethink.

Closing the distance between us, I stepped towards him and slung my arms around him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well well, Jackson might look strong but he's actually the softest human on earth. He's sensitive and gets hurt easily despite his tough looks.  
> Hope you liked this chapter. It will develop deeper, I promise :p


	3. Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Teary Jackson and a comforting Mark..

“Wang Jia Er,” I whispered as I embraced him.

For a moment he stood still, frozen and unable to do or say anything. But even after he had accepted my embrace, he didn’t do anything. Nothing. Just stood there while I pressed his surprisingly tiny body in to me. 

He had lost weight, his stomach was flatter than I remembered.

“I’m sorry. GaGa, I am so sorry,” was all I could say. My one hand was in his hair, the other wrapped around his waist.

I pulled away from him to look him in the eyes, my arms still not leaving his body.

“Jackson, Sseunie, baby,” I called out to him, hoping that one of the nicknames would catch his attention and make him react.

But he just shook his head and looked away.

“Don’t do this, Yi En. Don’t break the rules for me. Don’t break your own principles.”

Kindly grabbing him by his chin I forced his head towards me and said “I’m not breaking anything for you. I’m doing this for myself. I know I have been selfish all this time, only thinking about what I want. I know that but I didn’t know that I was hurting you this much. I didn’t realize that you only did what you did for me. Saying ‘sorry’ wouldn’t even begin to make up for your sufferings. I really..” I got stuck on my words, the lump in my throat was painful, my heart felt like it had been smashed with a stone a thousand times.

I stopped to observe him for a second. A tear slid down his cheek and left a trace behind. With a thumb I gently wiped it away. He was looking straight at me, the insecure eyes looking more beautiful than ever.

I sighed out. With a light bump, I hit my forehead against his and closed my eyes. Caressing the short strands of hair on the back of his neck with my fingers.

“Sseunie…”

My voice was low. My heart was thumping so hard and fast that I couldn’t hear our breathings.

‘Come back to me.’ That sentence was right at the tip of my tongue. All I had to do was open my mouth.

I wanted to say those words so badly. Yet the second I opened my mouth to do exactly that, the front door opened and BamBam was the first to show up, extremely energetic.

As if a lightening had attacked us, Jackson and I jumped away from each other and turned to the other side. I saw how he wiped his cheeks clean from tears.

“We’re back,” said a clueless Youngjae.

The others welcomed us too but JB and Jinyoung’s eyes were sharp as usual.

Even while standing with the back towards them, I could see how Jinyoung’s stare bore right through me. Jackson began fumbling with the hem on his shirt.

“We’re leaving in 20, hurry up,” he simply said and hurried to his room leaving a suspicious Jinyoung behind.

“Usually he’s always the last one to get ready so why is he being like that?” laughed Yugyeom jokingly and didn’t know that he had hit the bull’s eye.

“Anything happen while we’re gone?” Jaebum said, approaching me.

I shrug my shoulders and also escaped to my room.

A moment later Jaebum knocked on my room while Youngjae was taking a bath.

“Mark,” he said as he came in to the room. I noticed how he closed the door behind him.

“What’s up?” I said and tried to make it sound casually as I took out a pair of jeans from the closet.

“About Jackson…” he started off.

“What about him?”

He sat on the bed beside me, putting his palms together as he breathed out.

“I know that he’s hurting a lot. Both of you have suffered from the break up. Trust me, we all know that. But don’t do anything to give him hope. He’s really trying to treat you like a friend because he wants to remain in this group, he wants us to remain as seven.”

I changed into the pants and then went to my jewelry to find something to wear with the outfit. I didn’t say anything, let him talk.

“He’s talked both to me and to Jinyoung. You know what he said?”

I stopped looking through my rings and raised my head to meet his eyes.

“He said he’s afraid that you’ll ask to get back together with him. Even if that possibility is probably close to nothing. He doesn’t want his efforts to go to waste.”

I grabbed a ring with a rose pattern and took my bag, still not replying to anything he had said and trying to ignore the pain in my heart at his words.

“Mark,” Jaebum said, trying to catch my attention.

“Just stop, Jaebum. Stop rubbing salt in my wound. I’m already about to go crazy. Just please don’t mention this again,” I said as I literally begged him with my eyes.

I heard Jaebum sigh again as I left the room. On my way to the living room I met Jinyoung who came out from the room he shared with Jackson.

“Mark,” he said, being the second person to interrupt me.

I looked up to face him.

“What’s going on between you and Jackson?”

I was tired of this question so I was about to walk past him but he grabbed my arm.

“Mark. Jackson is crying."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for all the tears ~
> 
> Hope, you all liked this chapter :))
> 
> Comments and kudos are always welcome ^^


	4. Panic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Panic or panic attack?

“Mark. Jackson is crying. What the hell happened while we were gone?”

He sounded like he was panicking and that was rare for Jinyoung.

When I heard his words, my heart dropped and it didn’t take long for me before I was making my way to their room.

Why was he crying again? What had happened now?

When I opened the door to the room, I saw him sitting on the floor. He looked like a mess, the tears unstoppable from his eyes and his body was shaking.

It seemed like the way he had behaved the past few months, forcing himself to be cheerful, was finally catching up on him. He looked so broken.

“Jackson,” I said with a soft voice as I approached him carefully to not scare him.

Falling down on my knees in front of him, I lifted his face up so he met my eyes.

“Did I do something again?” I asked and didn’t know what to do with all the tears that kept flowing down his cheeks.

Being completely out of breath he finally focused on me.

“I can’t do it again, Yi En. I can’t risk another break up. Don’t ask me to. Please.” He wasn’t breathing steadily and his hands were almost tearing my sleeves apart.

“What are you talking about, Jackson? Who’s gonna break up with you? It won’t happen a second time, I promise,” I tried assuring him but he was shaking his head, refusing to listen to me.

I didn’t understand him at first. But when it hit me, I stopped for a moment.

It was as Jaebum had said. He didn’t want to get back together with me out of fear that we might break up again.

I was taken aback. I didn’t know what to do. How was I supposed to comfort him when the one thing he didn’t want me to do was what I yearned for?

“Sseunie, listen to me, please.”

I grabbed both his hands. “I don’t know what’ll happen in the future. All I know that if anything, I would never hurt you again. Don’t think like this, please, Jia Er. You know we don’t like it when you overthink.”

He was almost gasping for air, shaking his head continuously. His cheeks were wet from all the tears. It was beginning to look a lot like he was having a panic attack.

The only time ever he had had a panic attack was when he had heard that his dad could be in the plane that had crashed. And now it was happening again.

Gently but firmly grabbing him by his head, I tried to make him look at me.

“Wang Jia Er, focus on my voice. Don’t think. Just listen.”

He wasn’t reacting and his breathing was getting more and more messy. His eyes flickered and he was drilling his finger nails in his palms.

“Baby, look at me, hey,” I tried again but he just wouldn’t meet my eyes, his breathing still getting more unstable to the point where he couldn’t breathe.

“What’s going on?”

Jinyoung came in the right moment.

“Is he having another panic attack?” he asked, kneeling down beside us and trying to catch Jackson’s swerving hands.

“Jinyoung-ah, help me, what do I do?” I asked, begging for his guidance.

“Just hold his hands tightly and put your arms around him. Try to calm him down by letting him feel you are there,” Jinyoung instructed me from the side.

I did as told and wrapped my arms around Jackson, pressing his head tightly towards my chest.

I could feel his heart pounding so fast in his chest as if it threatened to jump out.

“Shh,” I said, caressing his hair as I silently prayed that he would get his normal breathing back because he was having difficulties breathing as if he had just stepped into space.

“It’s alright, just breathe, Sseunie.”

I looked over to Jinyoung and he gave a small nod as if to say ‘You are doing good.’

I didn’t know if I was. Honestly this whole situation scared me so much. 

I felt the relief rush in me like a flood when I noticed how calm he had become. Even though his hands were still shaking a bit, his breathing had almost become normal. 

“Yi En…”

I almost jumped up when he spoke out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ehm ... How is this chapter? This really is my first time writing in an angst genre, I don't know.  
> Tell me about how I'm doing in the comments :))
> 
> Hope the chapter was to your liking ^^ Give me critic and kudos ;)


	5. Let Go of Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackson wants to leave?

His voice sounded raw from all the crying before. I pulled away enough to be able to look at him but he had lowered his head.

“What is it?”

His hands began fumbling at some loose threads on my shirt and he talked with his head lowered;

“Tell me honestly, what do you want right now for our relationship? What do you want should happen?”

Taking a second to think, I answered “I just want you to be happy.”

He tried to untangle himself from my embrace but I tightened my grip, didn’t let him escape anywhere.

“That’s not what you thought when you decided to break up.”

He sounded like he was sulking but I could sense the sadness behind his tone.

“Jackson, that was … I can’t be selfish with you, GaGa. I won’t allow myself to be.”

“So being selfish with yourself is okay?”

Jackson and I both got startled by Yugyeom who was standing in the doorway. His arms crossed as he stood there and looked dangerously fierce even though he was the youngest.

“Stay out of this, Yugyeom,” Jaebum ordered from the side but Yugyeom stood still like a rock.

“No, they need to know that they are just hurting each other. Both of them can’t live without the other but they are just so stubborn. Jackson hyung is afraid of getting hurt so he won’t ask for another chance and Mark hyung is afraid of public’s eyes. I’ve had enough of this. You were much happier before.”

Jackson looked away, crumbling a bit as Yugyeom’s words hit him.

I stood up and faced the taller Yugyeom.

“Yugyeom, don’t be disrespectful. We are still your hyungs.”

Standing in defense position, Yugyeom boldly replied “You being my hyungs has nothing to do with your situation. I’m trying to help you guys.”

Jaebum grabbed him by the arm, trying to stop him from saying more. BamBam showed up too, not sure where to stand or what to do.

“Guys, please stop this,” Youngjae said behind BamBam.

“If it was that easy, don’t you think we would’ve solved this earlier?” I said, linking eyes with Yugyeom.

I was getting mad. Yugyeom only knew the tip of our worries.

“Yugyeom-ah, you have to understand that it’s bigger than the two of them. The company is the problem. If Jackson and Mark start anything again, they are out for good,” said Jinyoung. Wrinkles between his eyebrows had appeared which showed how worried he was.

“I don’t know how to do this, guys…” said a little weak voice from the other side of the room.

Jackson looked so small, sitting there with his knees up to his chin and his arms wrapped around his legs.

Looking at us insecurely, he continued “I love this group, I truly love you guys. But having dated Mark has changed me. I don’t know if I can live with the feeling of just being his friend. Please don’t ask me to.”

Jaebum rushed to him and when he stood in front of him, the words came stumpling out of his mouth:

“Don’t do this, Jackson. You can’t, you promised you w-“

Cutting him off, Jackson said “Let me leave.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We got an aggressive and bold maknae here, what do y'all think about this chapter? ^^
> 
> Kudos and comments as always welcome ~


	6. Stay With Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackson wanna leave the house. Will they let him..?

I heard Youngjae’s gasp and saw Jinyoung shake his head as he covered his face in his palm. Yugyeom froze and BamBam sighed.

Everyone was awfully quiet in a minute or two. Jaebum was the only one who gave a reaction:

“Jackson, I’m not going to let you do this. You can’t. You were the one who invented “7 or Never, 7 or Nothing”, remember? You can’t just back out of it. How does our group not mean anything to you anymore? Was it only Mark all this time? You’re really gonna leave everything behind that we worked so hard for in all these years? So easily?”

His words must have triggered Jackson because he suddenly stood up, his figure rising over Jaebum.

“You think it was easy? Nine months, Jaebum. I’ve gone nine months thinking I could do this, persuading myself that I would be fine, forcing myself to get up in the morning. How can you claim I don’t like our group? I do, I love it. But do you have any idea of how it feels to be around Mark every day, every second? It feels like torture, Jaebum. I see him and all those memories come flooding back and reality hits me. That Mark and I can never be if I wanna keep this job. This is too much. The pain, it stings. Day and night. I can’t sleep and I can’t be awake. I don’t even know how I have passed these nine months. But it’s been a hell.”

Jaebum got quiet. He looked at Jackson for what felt like forever. He stood there until his eyes turned glassy and his fists tightened as if he was ready to throw a punch.

Instead he just walked away, leaving the room. We heard the front door shutting and then silence. Complete silence.

That was until Jackson collapsed on the floor like a doll, raising his hands and looking at them as if he could find the answer there.

No one dared to move. I wanted to go to Jackson but he looked like he would break if I touched him.

A whisper broke the nerve-wracking silence as Jackson said “Tell Jaebum that I’m sorry …”

Then he stood up and began packing.

I rather saw than felt myself walk over to him and grabbed his arm.

“Jackson stop, I’m not allowing you to go anywhere.”

With a shirt in his hand, he stopped.

“Let’s quit it, huh, Yi En. Let’s really end this.”

“Give me week, hm? One week and I’ll have an answer for you,” I begged him.

“What answer, Yi En? We don’t have the royalty to choose. It’s either us or this job and you already chose. There’s no go back option. You chose, now let me. And this is my decision.”

Unconsciously my grip around his arm tightened. “Wang Jia Er. Please don’t do this. None of us want you gone. Don’t break our team.”

He shook me off and dragged his suitcase from the corner over to the bed.

“I’m not breaking anything, I’m just moving to a hotel for the time being. I can’t bear to be in this house anymore.”

Jinyoung walked over to us and gently touched Jackson’s shoulder to make him look at Jinyoung.

“Sseunah, if you’re not here, we’ll worry. When do you come home, how busy are you, did you eat, did you take medicine, what happens if you get sick, who will take care of you? You really wanna leave us in the dark while you do god knows what?”

Jackson looked at Jinyoung for a second or two. Then he said “It’s not like I’ll leave this group. We have schedules together. You will see me again, don’t worry. And I’ll tell you guys if something happens.”

Jinyoung looked at Jackson as if he had just said a joke. “You don’t tell us a thing, Jackson. We are always the ones who notice when something is wrong. In the past you used to at least tell Mark but you stopped doing that too. You don’t look after yourself enough and we are constantly worrying. Nothing is gonna make it better that you move out.”

Jackson couldn’t give a response to that. I stood still, didn’t say anything.

“I can’t stay here, Jinyoung-ah. I just can’t. I don’t wanna make Mark go anywhere so instead I’m leaving. Let me.”

He turned around to continue packing and I pulled Jinyoung to the side, away from Jackson.

“Jinyoung, I’m asking this of you, not as a member of this group or because of work, but as your friend. Don’t let him leave. Please do something. Talk to our CEO, talk to our manager. I don’t wanna see Jackson go from here and definitely not in that condition. He’s gonna get hurt and we won’t ever know. I don’t even wanna know what he-“

He cut me off by putting a hand on my arm, stopping me from ranting.

“I’ll try, Mark. But I can’t guarantee anything. Don’t expect me to come back with a solution.”

I nodded, my heart filling with a bit of hope I knew I shouldn’t feel so soon.

He took his jacket and put on his shoes. When he was gone, I looked at Jackson who was almost throwing clothes and whatnot in the big suitcase, not organizing them.

He looked so hopeless and unhappy.

I walked to him and stopped a step away from him.

“Sseunie..” I started but he clicked with his tongue and faced me as he said “Don’t call me that.”

I gently touched his hand even though I was afraid he would refuse me.

“Are you really afraid of getting back together with me? Do you expect me to break your heart again?”

He stood still, only sound coming from his breathing.

“You know I was hurting too. I felt so guilty. That day when I told them what my decision was, the look on your face … it still haunts me. I hate myself for being so weak. You were always the strong one in our relationship. Never being afraid of touching me even though we were on broadcast. I admired that side of you.”

He looked the other way. “I’m not as strong as you think.”

When he didn’t pull away his hand, I got a bit courage and took his hand in mine.

“I know. You are sensitive, too easily hurt and you get affected a lot. I know all your sides. And I miss them. I miss you, GaGa…”

I couldn’t see his face, he was still refusing to look in my direction. So I leaned in towards him, my chest touching his shoulder. Slowly and carefully I wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled him closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this time the chapter is longer because y'all asked ~
> 
> Hope you'll like it :))


	7. Be Mine Again?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will Jinyoung be delivering good or bad news?

Resting my chin on his head.

“I know I hurt you. I know that I should never have broken up. But my fears got the best of me. I behaved selfishly and I didn’t even know how much a damage I made until it was already done,” I continued, hoping he was at least listening even though he wasn’t moving.

“I know I don’t have the right to say but … come back to me, baby..”

My heart was beating like crazy, my hands which held his was sweaty and I was so scared that he would push me away.

When I raised my head to look at him, I suddenly realized he was shaking.

And when I saw why, my heart broke down again.

He was crying for the third time today.

“God, I’ve wanted to hear that for so long,” he said, a tear falling down from his chin.

“Baby..” was the only thing I could say as I pressed his body even closer to me.

He turned a bit and accepted my embrace properly.

We stood there for so long, hugging each other. I was gently rocking him from side to side.

The door made a sound and a few seconds later Jaebum appeared, his face surprised at the sight of us.

“Oh, did you guys finally make up? About time,” he said and brushed past us, acting unusually cold.

Jackson stopped him.

“Hyung, I …”

He was holding the hem of my shirt a bit too tight as he said “About before, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking straight.”

I saw how Jaebum sighed relieved out.

In that same moment Jinyoung came.

I tried reading his face but something was weird. He looked happy? Before he said anything he took off his jacket and shoes.

I was waiting impatiently on him. What kind of news was he gonna deliver?

“Promise you won’t freak out?” he said to us when he finally approached us.

Jackson’s hand found mine and I intertwined our fingers.

“What’s going on?” he asked, confused.

Jinyoung put his hands together as if he was about to tell a story.

“First of all, our manager also talked about it. You know what he said?”

Jackson still had no idea what he was talking about. Looking up at me, he searched an answer from me. But I shook my head and gave his hand a light squeeze, telling him to listen.

“Our management team told me that fans have started to worry about you guys. They expressed in comments that you two have become too quiet and your sudden change in behavior made them wonder what was wrong.”

Yugyeom cut in and said “Basically, you guys have been a pain in the ass to handle and you caused worry among fans.”

He said it in a joking tone and laughed but the glare Jaebum sent him, was enough to stop him.

Jinyoung sighed at Yugyeom. “Let me talk, Yugyeom.”

Looking back at us, he paused for a second before he met my eyes, then Jackson’s.

“They told me that it’s been harder to control fans since you broke up than when you were dating and the whole shipping thing existed.”

Giving Jinyoung a hopefull look that he slightly smiled to, I silently prayed to the god I believed in in that moment.

“The company has decided to give you guys a chance. But be careful, Mark and Jackson. Don’t let the media catch anything remotely suspicious.”

I felt the joy brim in my chest and I didn’t know how to express it other than pulling Jackson in to me and giving him a tight breath-taking hug.

“Now you don’t have another choice than to stay by my side all the time. You’re not allowed to leave,” I said and wrapped my arms around his slim muscular torso as I smiled.

In the background I heard BamBam and Yugyeom yell “Ew ~” but I was too busy hugging Jackson.

“A chance? I don’t understand,” Jackson said but he accepted my embrace.

I didn’t want to pull away, the warmth from his body was definitely on the list of things I had missed about him. And the mixed scent of lime from his shampoo and sweat was almost intoxicating.

“Just let me hug you like this for a while..” I whispered.

My heart was satisfied and I just wanted to enjoy having him close like this. I could feel his heart beating rapidly or maybe it was mine?

I smiled when I felt him put his hands in the back pocket of my pants as he would always do back in the days.

It was coming back. He was coming back.

With that thought alone I almost felt like crying. Instead I pulled away enough to see his face.

His cheeks were colored slightly pink, the sweat glittering beautifully on his nape.

“Wanna be my boyfriend?” I asked, sending him a warm smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, this chapter was, erhm, not to my liking.. But I couldn't change it so this is how it ended up  
> Hope you like it better than me :))


	8. Alone with You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's gonna be romance from here onwards ~

I laughed when he looked like I had just asked him if he did drugs.

“What?” he clumsily replied.

I suddenly noticed how everyone had left us alone and I thanked them in my heart.

“Jinyoung talked to our company team about us. And as you just heard, they’d rather want us to be together and keep it low than be apart and cause a commotion with our behavior.”

He turned away and I could feel on him that he didn’t know what to say. So I tried to get his attention by pressing a small kiss near his ear.

He almost jumped up in surprise and held his ear as he raised his head to meet my eyes.

“Yi En!”

I chuckled and gave him a quick embrace. “Listen to me,” I said, still laughing.

“They approve of us dating. We can be together.”

I tried to say it in a normal tone but the joy was too much to handle and my voice ended up being way too loud. Louder than I had been the past few months.

It only took him a second to understand. Then he completely broke down, his legs giving up on his weight as he always fell down to the ground if not I had caught him.

“Hey,” I said as I grabbed him by his shoulders, preventing him from going any lower.

His hands were shaking again and he could only look at me, eyes big and mouth open.

“Don’t lie,” he could finally say with a low voice.

I laughed again and squeezed his cheeks so his puffy lips popped out.

“I’m not, didn’t you just hear Jinyoung? He said we are more troublesome to handle when we are apart than when we were together. So go and pack out. You are staying and I’m not going to let go of you tonight.”

I wasn’t implying anything special by ‘tonight’ yet it made him give me a surprised look.

“Oh, you’ve become naughty. I don’t remember you like that.”

I hit him lightly on his arm. “Stop it. Just go.”

He was about to turn around but then he stopped and leaned in.

A small, soft and warm kiss was pressed against my cheek, almost as if he brushed his lips over my skin.

“Yes, to your question earlier,” he whispered in my ear, sending me a little smile before he went.

I stood a minute longer, didn’t know what had just happened.

I felt like years since I had seen his smile again. That smile. He looked happier than I could remember. And it lifted a burden from my shoulders.

Standing for a few seconds, I tried to process what had happened.

He was mine again, right? It felt like a dream. Maybe I would wake up tomorrow to a Jackson who treated me like his friend..

I shook the thoughts off my mind and went into the room Jackson had disappeared in.

He was in the middle of unpacking. I heard a low humming and smiled.

Sneaking my hands in between his arms, I hugged him from behind.

He was surprised at first but quickly relaxed.

I chuckled. “You got used to me again real fast, huh?”

I rested my chin on his shoulder like before and tied my hands so his back got pressed against my stomach.

“And you love my shoulder,” he replied, with a smile sounding from his voice.

“Whenever we travelled, I always remembered your shoulder. Usually you’d let me lean my head against you and you have a really comfortable shoulder. Really meaty,” I said, joking about the last part.

He hit me lightly but I could see the left corner of his mouth rise a bit.

We didn’t talk much while he was emptying the content of his suitcase. We kept silent about how much we both had missed and craved for each other, how much we had suffered when we were apart. And we had tons to talk about.

But he didn’t say anything so I kept quiet too.

Holding him in my arms was more than I could wish for.

In the evening the others went out for dinner. They didn’t even have to ask if we wanted to come with them. We had our plans. So instead Jinyoung gave a little smile, Youngjae laughed out loudly, Yugyeom highfived me and Jaebum sent a soft look. BamBam being an intellectual dabbed on his way out and I rolled my eyes at him.

When the door was shut, I turned towards Jackson who was standing in the middle of the livingroom.

Tension was building up. We were finally alone after so long, back together as a couple. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all liked the mushy romance stuff I had missed writing about :))


	9. Always Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, we love a cute and adorable couple, don't we? ~

His head was turned and legs crossed.

“Don’t do that,” I said as I walked to him.

He raised his head to meet my eyes. “Do what?”

Reaching out for his hand and intertwining our fingers, I brushed a few brown hair locks away from his eyes. “You look so insecure when you stand like that.”

Shrugging on his shoulders, he avoided my eyes. “Not really..”

I took a step closer and wrapped my arms around him. “Why are you like this? Usually you were always the one to initiate something. When did you get so weak?”

Turning his face a bit so his cheek touched my chest, he sighed. “I’m not used to us so soon. I feel like this is all a dream.”

I chuckled. “It’s not a dream, silly.”

He breathed out in my chest, adorably gripping tightly on my shirt.

“Wanna watch some TV?” I asked even though I didn’t want to let go of him.

He nodded and pulled away.

We made ourselves comfortable on the sofa.

He was sitting too far away from me and I clicked my tongue at him. “Stop being shy and get your ass here,” I said in English.

He raised his eyebrows at me but followed my orders.

“You always snuggled into me so much that the temperature went above 40 degrees.”

His eyes were on the TV but I looked at him and pinched his nose as I said: “I missed you, you idiot. Come here.”

Throwing an arm over his shoulder, I finally managed to get him to come closer.

He really didn’t want to face me, his hands politely resting on his thighs. This Jackson confused me.

I was so used to an energetic, cheerful and loud Jackson that I didn’t know what to do when he was like this.

“GaGa..” I started and leaned in. I felt my breath touch his cheek and how he almost flinched.

“I’m not going anywhere and this isn’t some dream that’s going away tomorrow. It’s real. You don’t need to feel scared because I won’t let anything separate us again. I really won’t. So please don’t act this way.”

Finally he turned towards me.

My heart melted when he took my face between his hands and looked me deeply in the eyes. It seemed like years ago since I had seen those beautiful brown eyes.

“Don’t leave me again, Yi En. Promise me this time for real that you won’t go.”

I brushed his cheek with a finger and sent him a soft smile.

“Promise.”

He maintained eye contact for few seconds longer before he closed the distance between us and let our lips touch. I could feel the insecurity still linger in the way he kissed me but soon I couldn’t think a coherent sentence. God, it had been so long since I had felt this way. 

Putting a hand on his torso and digging the other in his soft hair, I pulled him in.

The kiss started off slowly and lovingly. He parted our lips but never let his tongue in.

Breaking the link to our lips, he suddenly said “Sleep in my bed tonight.”

I burst out in laughter at how serious he sounded. He really was unpredictable.

He simply looked at me, his hand unconsciously caressing my cheek.

“I missed your laugh, Yi En.”

I smiled. “And I missed you.”

Leaning his head towards mine so our foreheads touched, he sighed and closed his eyes.

“If you do this again, I’m not sure my heart can take it. And I don’t think I can forgive you again.”

I pressed a kiss on his scalp.

“I’m sorry, Sseunie,” I said and suddenly felt the urge to attack him.

Showering him with kisses all over his face, he lost his balance and we ended up lying on the sofa with me on top of him. I grinned but he made an uncomfortable face so I immediately got off him, scared that I might have hurt him in my attack.

He groaned in pain and clutched his head as he got up too.

“What’s wrong?” I asked and gently grabbed his arm, trying to see his face.

He shook his head and said in a reassuring tone “It’s nothing.”

“It’s not nothing, baby. Why, is it migraine again?”

Suddenly looking up, he met my eyes. “Yeah .. How did you know.”

I sighed. “Of course I would know. You sometimes go in the corner and massage your temples for a couple of minutes before a schedule. I’m not blind.”

He put his lower lip forward in a pouting way and I chuckled. “Come here, you idiot.”

I pulled on his hand and he fell in my embrace.

“Can you stop calling me an idiot?” he said, his mouth was buried in my sweater so his voice came out muffled.

Moving my fingers carefully across his forehead, I massaged his head as I said “No, I won’t. You are the biggest idiot I know. How many times did you get sick in the past few months?”

He hummed in pleasure and pain, both at the same time but he didn’t answer my question.

We sat like that for a while. I massaged his head and neck and noticed how stiff his muscles were. His body was burning up and I silently prayed that he wasn’t getting a fever.

The TV in the background was just white noise.

The main door suddenly opened and in came a drunk very chatty Jaebum in, stumbling on uncertain feet.

Jinyoung and Yugyeom both had their arms over his shoulder and despite being two people to guide him through the door and take his shoes off, they were still having difficulties.

Youngjae and BamBam gave a short wave before they went straight to their rooms.

Jackson and I had turned our heads as we looked at them making a rather big commotion with a half asleep Jaebum. It was rare to see him like that. Usually he would try and control himself while us others hit it off with alcohol.

Jinyoung managed to wave and sent us a tightened smile.

“Sorry to interrupt but this very drunk and very stupid man insisted on celebrating your reunion with a drink and he ended up like this. So we came home earlier than expected.”

Jackson looked confused. “Wait, why are you guys celebrating us without us being present there with you?”

Jinyoung and I both laughed at his question but none of us answered. Instead Jinyoung and Yugyeom guided the drunkard in his room.

Jinyoung came out again to say “Did you guys eat something? We bought takeout.”

Jackson and I both shook our heads and Jackson added “I’m not hungry.”

“You haven’t eaten anything all day,” I claimed.

He received two very worried looks and turned his face the way. “It’s nothing. I’m just feeling a bit nauseous, nothing a good night’s sleep won’t cure.”

I hit him on his shoulder and Jinyoung crossed his arms while looking judgemental at Jackson.

“I’m telling you, you are the biggest idiot on earth.”

I sighed out loud and stood up.

“Get up and take some medicine before you go to sleep.”

The younger did as told and went obediently to take his medicine.

That night I asked Youngjae to switch rooms with Jinyoung so I could finally get a night’s sleep with Jackson.

And god, I hadn’t slept so well in so long.

When I woke up in the middle of the night and saw Jackson’s sleeping face, how his legs were tangled in mine and his arms hugging the green Squirtle … my heart immediately melted and I felt like crying. 

I swore that no matter what the future brought us, I would never let him get hurt again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sad to announce but this is gonna be the end of this work. I hope you all enjoyed it.  
> I'll be updating the others soon :)


	10. Okay? ... Silence. But- Error.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackson's recent single Okay is beautiful and amazing so I thought I couldn't possibly not write about it. It's my theory on the song so :))  
> This chapter is linked to the rest of the work so please read the first 9 chapters before you read this one :P

I was lying beside Jackson. He had his phone in his hand and scrolling past his Weibo timeline, the sleep clearly visible in his eyes but he was refusing to go to sleep.

“Ga Yee,” I called out to him and rolled to the side to face him.

He hummed.

“I was thinking..”

I hesitated and he noticed it. Putting his phone away, he rested his head on his hand as he raised himself on one elbow, looking straight at me.

“What is it?”

I took his hand in mine. “Remember when I went through the songs in your phone to find that specific one we were searching for that day?”

He nodded as he waited for me to continue.

“I accidentally transferred a demo version of your new song, “Okay”. I know you don’t want us to listen until it gets out but I only noticed when it came on on shuffle.”

I was relieved he didn’t look mad or annoyed. He just shrug on his shoulders.

“It’s fine, it’s gonna get released tomorrow anyway.”

I was unconsciously rubbing his fingers, they were long and slim. He had big hands, the veins popping up.

“I have a question.”

Waiting for his response, I threw a glance at his face. But he didn’t seem to mind.

“What inspired you to write it?”

I must have reminded him of something because he let his head fall back onto the pillow, this time it was his turn to look at the ceiling as he wondered.

After what seemed like forever he finally answered.

“I think you know.. When we broke up …”

More pause.

“I was devastated. Literally. I felt like drinking myself crazy every night. I could never have a proper night’s sleep. Food tasted like nothing. People were like annoying sounds. I felt like there was no hope in the world. And it just made everything worse whenever I saw you because the pain just came back as a punch. It was horrible. I often wondered if you felt as hopeless as I did. If you suffered the same way as me. But you always looked so calm, so quiet and expressionless.”

His grip on my hand had tightened the same way I felt my heart tighten. Hearing him talk about that period felt so painful. He really had been hurting. Just like me.

“To be honest, I have no idea how I came up with the lyrics. I just sat down and scribbled down my feelings and suddenly it hit me, this could be a song. And that’s how I came up with it. Papillon too. I wrote them together. It’s like, I let my frustrations of the system and our break-up take over. God, you have no idea how mad I was at our agency for making you decide between your job and me. But at the same time I was in so much pain. Always having to tell myself that it would be okay, that my feelings for you would go away with time when I knew that you would be the only one in my life..”

I wanted to cry. This was so painful to listen to.

Rolling over once again, I swung my arm over him and pulled him closer. 

“GaGa…”

My voice was only a whisper close to his ear.

He let out a short humorless laughter. “To think that my solo debut song is inspired by our break-up.”

I buried my face in between his neck and shoulder, the lump in my throat was making it hard for me to speak.

“Oh god, Sseunie, I am so sorry..”

He turned his face to plant a kiss in my hair. “It’s okay, don’t think too much about it. I’m okay now, we both are.”

I raised my head to look in his beautiful hazel brown eyes. 

He sent me a bright smile and touched my cheek with a finger.

“So cute,” was the only think he said before he bowed down.

Feeling his soft lips on mine was all I needed to get the pain off my chest.

I let my hands dig in his hair and sighed out in pleasant as he moved his lips between mine. He pulled me so close, I was almost lying on him and I paused the kiss to laugh but I was immediately muted by another kiss.

“Mmh,” he hummed, his hands now exploring on my body. I felt his fingers on the edge of my boxers.

The heat was increasing really quick and I didn’t care for anything.

He let go of my lips after a long kiss and said “Let’s take it easy, we have a schedule tomorrow.”

I nodded but I didn’t fully agree.

Since that time when Jinyoung had told us that the company had given us another chance on the condition that we would be more careful, Jackson seemed to always hold back.

The members had even come up with the idea that Jackson should focus more on Jinyoung than me. There would be days where we almost didn’t get to talk because we had schedule all day.

I didn’t want to risk anything either but Jackson flirting so much with Jinyoung kind of annoyed me. Jackson knew and he was a little shit because he always did something to Jinyoung while making sure I was a witness. He was such a tease.

Jaebum’s voice pulled me back to the real world. “Kids, our manager is sick again so our schedule is postponed,” sounded his loud voice from the living room. I head BamBam yell out his happy feelings.

Jackson looked down on me, smiling in an adorable way as if he hadn’t just attacked me.

“Oh, I guess we do have the time,” he said, sending me a smirk as he let his fingers invade my boxers.

I gasped. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to do a one-shot on Jackson's recent single, Okay :)  
> Hope you enjoyed this ^^


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